Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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