i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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