I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
