I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
