How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
