I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
