Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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