Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
My dick has a subreddit
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
