So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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