I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
