I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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