theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
