U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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