i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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