can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize