I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
