it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
