Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
