I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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