You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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