Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
