don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
