just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
