If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
