New low: just hacked my moms facebook
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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