so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
