got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
