Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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