You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Reggie can tackle my bush.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
