Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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