Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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