I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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