I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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