fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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