getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
