im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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