i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
