I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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