Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
