I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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