My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Enjoy the penises
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
