You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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