Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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