So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
