I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It's never too late to be topless.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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