am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
he wants to bone in the snuggie
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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