Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
