He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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