Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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