i just wanna soil my oats bro
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
